School uniforms help teach kids about standards

QUESTION: How do you feel about children wearing uniforms to school? How about schools having other dress codes and clothing requirements?

DR. DOBSON: I rather like the idea of school uniforms, because it solves the problem of competition between the haves and have-nots. It also eliminates the provocative clothing that some kids like to wear.

But there is a larger issue here. I think it is extremely important for children to be taught adherence to standards that relate to discipline and self-control. In the 1960s, the courts began ruling against educators' efforts to govern hair length, suggestive messages on T-shirts and other aspects of personal appearance. While these fashion statements were not terribly important in themselves, the impact of the judicial rulings was significant.

It is a mistake to shield children from reasonable rules, to place no demands on their behavior. How inaccurate is the belief that self-control is maximized in an environment that places no obligations on children. How foolish is the assumption that self-discipline is a product of self-indulgence. Reasonable standards of conduct are an important part of an educational system. School uniforms might be a part of such standards.

QUESTION: You described the "trapped" feeling that causes some people to withdraw from their spouses. I think that applies to my wife, who has been strangely distant from me in recent years. Can you tell me more about what such a person might be thinking?

DR. DOBSON: The feeling of entrapment begins with disrespect for a partner. For example, a man may think these kinds of thoughts about his wife:

"Look at Joan. She used to be rather pretty. Now with those 15 extra pounds, she doesn't even attract me anymore. Her lack of discipline bothers me in other areas, too - the house is always in a mess, and she seems totally disorganized. I made an enormous mistake back there in my youth when I decided to marry her. Now I have to spend the rest of my life - can you believe it - all the years I have left tied up with someone I'm uninterested in. Oh, I know Joanie is a good woman and I wouldn't hurt her for anything, but man! Is this what they call living?"

Or Joanie may be doing some thinking of her own:

"Michael, Michael, how different you are from what I first thought you to be. You seemed so exciting and energetic in those early days. How did you get to be such a bore? You work far too much and are so tired when you come home. I can't even get you to talk to me, much less sweep me into ecstasy.

"Look at him, sleeping on the couch with his mouth hanging open. I wish his hair wasn't falling out. Am I really going to invest my entire lifetime in this aging man? Our friends don't respect him anymore, and he hasn't received a promotion at the plant for more than five years. He's going nowhere - and he's taking me with him!"

If Joanie and Michael are both thinking these entrapment thoughts, it is obvious that their future together is in serious jeopardy. But the typical situation is unilateral, as in your marriage. One partner (of either gender) begins to chafe at the bit without revealing to the other how his or her attitude has changed. A reasonably compassionate person simply does not disclose these disturbing rumblings to someone who loves him or her. Instead, a person's behavior begins to evolve in inexplicable ways.

He may increase the frequency of his evening business meetings - anything to be away from home more often. He may become irritable or "deep in thought" or otherwise uncommunicative. He may retreat into televised sports or fishing trips or poker with the boys. He may provoke continuous fights over insignificant issues. And of course, he may move out or find someone younger to play with. A woman who feels trapped will reveal her disenchantment in similar indirect ways.

To summarize, the trapped feeling is a consequence of two factors: disrespect for the spouse and wishing for an excuse to get away.

Send your questions to Dr. Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO 80903. These questions and answers are excerpted from books authored by Dr. James Dobson and published by Tyndale House Publishers. Dr. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the preservation of the home. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. COPYRIGHT 2005 JAMES DOBSON INC.