QUESTION: Why can't parents get children to obey just by explaining what they want them to do? Why is it so often necessary to punish or raise our voices to get them to cooperate? Why can't they just accept a few reasonable rules and avoid all that conflict? It just doesn't add up to me.

DR. DOBSON: After working with children for years, I'm convinced that their challenging behavior is motivated in part by the desire for power that lies deep within the human spirit. From a very early age, they just don't want anyone telling them what to do. They are also great admirers of strength and courage. Maybe this is why mythical characters like Superman, Robin Hood and Wonder Woman have been so prominent in the folklore of children. Perhaps it is also why kids brag that "My dad can beat up your dad!" (One child said in reply, "That's nothing - my mom can beat up my dad, too!")

It is a fact that most boys, and some girls, care about the issue of "who's toughest." Whenever a youngster moves into a new neighborhood or a new school district, he often has to fight, either verbally or physically, to establish himself in the hierarchy of strength. There is usually a "top dog" in a group of children who bosses everyone else around. There is also a little defeated pup at the bottom of the heap who takes the brunt of everyone's abuse. And each child between those extremes usually knows where he or she ranks in relation to the others.

I believe this admiration for power also makes children want to know how tough their leaders are. They will occasionally disobey adults for the precise purpose of testing their determination and courage. Thus, whether you are a parent, grandparent, Boy Scout leader, bus driver, Brownie leader or a schoolteacher, I can guarantee that sooner or later, one of the children under your authority will clench his little fist and challenge your leadership. He will convey this message by his disobedient manner: "I don't think you are tough enough to make me do what you say." The way you handle that confrontation is being watched closely by every child in the group. Your reaction will determine how soon another challenge occurs and with what intensity it is driven.

 

QUESTION: My wife and I have two very strong-willed kids who are hard to handle. They seem to need to test us, and they're happiest and most contented when we are toughest on them. Why do they insist on making us growl at them and even punish them more than we'd like to?

DR. DOBSON: It is curious, isn't it, that some children seem to enjoy fighting with their parents? It's a function of the pugnacious temperament with which they are born. Many kids just like to run things and seem to enjoy picking fights.

There is another factor that is related to a child's sense of security. Let me illustrate it this way. Imagine you're driving a car over the Royal Gorge Bridge in Colorado, which is suspended hundreds of feet above the canyon floor. As a first-time traveler, you're pretty tense as you drive across. It is a scary experience. I knew one little fellow who was so awed by the view over the side of the bridge that he said, "Wow, Daddy! If you fell off of here, it'd kill you constantly!"

Now suppose there were no guardrails on the side of the bridge. Where would you steer the car? Right down the middle of the road. Even though you don't plan to hit those protective railings along the side, you just feel more secure knowing that they're there.

It's the same way with children. There is security in defined limits. They need to know precisely what the rules are and who's available to enforce them. Whenever a strong-willed child senses that the boundaries may have moved, or that his or her parents may have lost their nerve, the child will often precipitate a fight just to test the limits again. Children may not admit that they want you to be the boss, but they breathe easier when you prove that you are.

 

Send your questions to Dr. Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO 80903. These questions and answers are excerpted from books authored by Dr. James Dobson and published by Tyndale House Publishers. Dr. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the preservation of the home. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Copyright 2005 James Dobson Inc.