QUESTION: You have said that the natural progression of a marriage is to become more distant rather than more intimate. Why is that true?

DR. DOBSON: The natural tendency of everything in the universe is to move from order to disorder. If you buy a new car, it will steadily deteriorate from the day you drive it home. Your body is slowly aging and dying. Your house has to be repainted and repaired every few summers. A business that is not managed carefully will unravel and collapse. A brick that is placed on a vacant lot and left there long enough will eventually turn to dust.

Indeed, even the sun and all the stars are slowly burning themselves out. We are, in a manner of speaking, in a dying universe where everything that is not specifically being protected and upgraded is in a downward spiral.

The principle which governs this drift from order to disorder might be called “the law of disintegration.” (Engineers and scientists sometimes call it the law of entropy.) The only way to postpone or temporarily combat its influence is to invest creative energy and intelligent design into that which is to be preserved.

Not so surprisingly, human relationships also conform to the principle of disintegration. The natural tendency is for husbands and wives to drift away from each other unless they work at staying together. To provide another analogy, it is as though they were sitting in separate rowboats on a choppy lake. If they don’t paddle vigorously to stay in the same neighborhood, one will drift to the north of the lake and the other to the south. That is exactly what happens when marital partners get too busy or distracted to maintain their love. If they don’t take the time for romantic activities and experiences that draw them together, something precious begins to slip away. It doesn’t have to be that way, of course, but the currents of life will separate them unless efforts are made to remain together.

I wish every newly married couple knew about the law of disintegration and would actively protect their relationship from it.

 

QUESTION: You have said that children and young people are experiencing an epidemic of self-doubt and feelings of low self-esteem. Why do you think this is true?

DR. DOBSON: It has resulted, in part, from an unjust system of evaluating human worth that’s now prevalent in our society. Not everyone is seen as worthy; not everyone is accepted. Instead, we reserve our praise and admiration for those who have been blessed from birth with the characteristics we value most highly. It is a vicious system, and we, as parents, must counterbalance its impact.

At the top of the list of the most highly respected and valued attributes in our culture is physical attractiveness. Those who happen to have it are often honored and even feared; those who do not may be disrespected and rejected through no fault of their own. This measure of human worth is evident from the earliest moments of life, when an attractive infant is considered more valuable than a homely one.

For this reason, it is not uncommon for a mother to be depressed shortly after the birth of her first baby. She had hoped to give birth to a beautiful, 6-week-old Gerber baby, having four front teeth and rosy, pink cheeks. Instead, they hand her a red, toothless, bald, prune-faced, screaming little individual who isn’t exactly what Mom expected.

As the child grows, his or her value as a person will be assessed not only by parents, but also by those outside the home. Beauty contests offering scholarships and prizes for gorgeous babies are now common, as if the attractive child didn’t already have enough advantages in life. What a distorted system for evaluating human worth. As author George Orwell has written, “All (people) are equal, but some (people) are more equal than others.” The real tragedy today is how often this statement is proven true in the lives of our children.

 

Send your questions to Dr. Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO 80903. These questions and answers are excerpted from books authored by Dr. James Dobson and published by Tyndale House Publishers. Dr. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the preservation of the home. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Copyright 2004 James Dobson Inc.