Loving Spouses

1 Corinthians 7:1-6; Ephesians 5:22-33
Related Sunday School Lesson, Family Bible Series, May 9

How do you define marriage? Many have tried and failed, some with negative statements. One pundit said, “Marriage is a temporary state of insanity that can last a lifetime.” Another described marriage as an institution for the matrimonially insane.

Then, of course, there are the positive takes on the subject. Someone wrote, “Marriage is a holy covenant that leads to a happy life.” Yet another sage called it a “permanent romantic liaison.” Let’s get real. What is marriage? Let me give you a definition that I believe fits the Biblical pattern. Marriage is a covenant agreement between a man and woman in the sight of God intended to meet the unique intimacy needs of both for a lifetime. Or in other words, marriage is a God-designed partnership.

The question is, how do we make this partnership work? The Apostle Paul gives insight with his two best-known writings on the subject in I Corinthians 7:1-6 and Ephesians 5:22-33. In these passages Paul speaks of priorities and responsibilities that form this relationship.

Priorities

Clearly the marriage relationship is the Priority relationship of life. It is second only to our relationship with God. Some have interpreted Paul as less than supportive of marriage. I Corinthians 7:1 and 2 states, “Now concerning matters you wrote about; it is good for a man not to marry but since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.”

At first read, one could assume that Paul was no great fan of marriage and that he did not see it as much of a priority. This is an overstatement of Paul’s intent at best and a complete misrepresentation at worst. It is precisely because marriage is such a high priority that Paul implies, if possible, it is better not to be married. Paul knows that for a marriage to work it requires tremendous energy and commitment that could otherwise be directed into service to the Lord. But clearly when one is married, his/her relationship to the spouse takes center stage.

For marriage to work each must put the other first. This is easier said than done. In many marriages today the relationship between husband and wife takes a back seat to parental roles, career responsibilities, and even at times recreational pursuits. No other relationship can take precedence without seriously diminishing the partnership.

In Ephesians 5 Paul intends that husbands and wives put the needs of the other first. Though most translations begin the section with verse 22, some have suggested that Paul’s treatise on marriage should actually begin with verse 21, which reads “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” If this is the opening statement in this paragraph, it implies a mutual yielding of ourselves to the needs of our mate.

Paul spells out in detail how this can be done. The wife places her husband first by lovingly submitting to his leadership, and indeed, headship in the home. And the husband places his wife first by sacrificially loving her as Christ loved the church. Regardless of where we begin this passage the result is the same.

In either case each is making the other a priority. The question must be asked, “Is my marriage the priority of my life?” That which is our priority is that which we devote our time, energy, and attention to. How much time, energy and attention do you devote to your marriage?

Responsibilities

Now for specifics. In its simplest form, marriage is a partnership. Each partner has responsibilities toward the other. Marriage is intended to meet the unique intimacy needs of both for a lifetime. What are those unique intimacy needs? Paul addresses the most basic of these in I Corinthians 7. The need for physical intimacy is the basis of this passage. Paul does not shy away from this vitally important and sensitive subject. He states clearly that each partner has a responsibility to the other to provide for this need. It is interesting that Paul does not distinguish between the need of the husband and the wife. He assumes an equal need as well as an equal obligation. In referring to this obligation he uses the phrase “marital duty.” The language here is not intended to take away from the enjoyment of this union by making it into a burdensome chore. Rather the intent is to strongly emphasize the essential nature of this intimacy need.

Sexual expression is only one type of intimacy need. In the Ephesians 6 passage, the focus is not on the physical needs but rather on the need of love and respect. Paul states in verses 32 and 33, “This is a profound mystery but I am talking about Christ and the church. However each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband.”

The marriage relationship in not just about sex. In fact, it is not mostly about sex, but about the need of the inner life – the need to know that we are cherished and respected by our spouse. I am all for the current openness that allows for the discussion of physical intimacy in marriage. But I fear that we may forget that there is much more. If we, by command of scripture, have no right to refuse the physical intimacy needs of our spouse, do we have any less an obligation to provide the emotional needs? I think not.

Make no mistake about it. Marriage is hard work. But I can think of nothing in which the investment /reward ratio is greater. The happiest people I know are married people.