QUESTION: Are children really that calculating about their misbehavior? If so, I’ve not understood them at all.

DR. DOBSON: Some are, some aren’t. We’re talking here about the child who is driven to be his own boss – to take orders from no one. That kid can be very deliberate about his purposes.

I had a friend when I was a child who best typified this calculating spirit. Earl was like a military general who had deciphered the enemy code, permitting him to outmaneuver his opponents at every turn. He seemed to know every move his parents were going to make. I once spent the night with him, and after we were tucked into our own twin beds, he gave me an astounding description of his father’s temper.

Earl said, “When my dad gets very angry, he uses some really bad words that will amaze you.” He gave me three or four startling examples of things his dad would say.

I replied, “I don’t believe it!” Mr. Walker was a very tall, reserved man who seemed to have it all together. I just couldn’t conceive of his saying the words Earl had quoted.

“Want me to prove it to you?” said Earl mischievously. “All we have to do is keep on laughing and talking instead of going to sleep. My dad will come and tell us to be quiet over and over, and he’ll get madder and madder every time he has to settle us down. Then you’ll hear his cuss words. Just wait and see.”

I was a bit dubious about this plan, but I did want to see the dignified Mr. Walker at his profane best. So Earl and I kept his poor father running back and forth like a yo-yo for over an hour. And as predicted, he became more intense and angry each time he returned to our bedroom. I was getting very nervous and would have called off the project, but Earl had been through it all before. He kept telling me, “It won’t be long now.”

Finally, about midnight, it happened. Mr. Walker ran out of patience. He came thundering down the hall toward our room, shaking the entire house as his feet pounded the floor. He burst through the bedroom door and leaped on Earl’s bed, flailing at the boy who was safely buried beneath three or four layers of blankets. Then from his lips came a stream of words that had seldom reached my tender ears. I was shocked, but Earl was delighted.

Even while his father was whacking the covers with his hand and screaming his profanity, Earl shouted to me from beneath the blankets, “Did ya hear ‘em? Huh? Didn’t I tell ya? I told ya he would say it!” It’s a wonder that Mr. Walker didn’t kill his son that night!

I lay awake in the dark thinking about what had happened and made up my mind never to let a child manipulate me like that when I grew up. Don’t you see how important disciplinary techniques are to a boy’s respect for parents? When a 45-pound bundle of trouble can deliberately reduce his powerful father to a trembling, snarling mass of frustrations, then something changes in their relationship. Something precious is lost. The child develops an attitude of contempt that is certain to erupt during the stormy adolescent years to come. I sincerely wish every adult understood that simple characteristic of human nature.

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QUESTION: I understand your emphasis on a child being taught to respect the authority of his or her parents but doesn’t that coin have two sides? Don’t parents have an equal responsibility to show respect for their children?

DR. DOBSON: They certainly do! The self-concept of a child is extremely fragile, and it must be handled with great care. A youngster should live in complete safety at home, never being belittled or embarrassed deliberately, never punished in front of friends, never ridiculed in a way that is hurtful. His strong feelings and requests, even if foolish, should be considered and responded to politely. He should feel that his parents “really do care about me.”

My point is that respect is the critical ingredient in all human relationships, and just as parents should insist on receiving it from their children, they are obligated to model it in return.

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Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO. 80903; or www.familiy.org. Questions and answers are excerpted from “The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide,” published by Tyndale House. Copyright 2005 James Dobson Inc.