Daughter's bad attitude will get better as she matures

QUESTION: My sixteen-year-old daughter is driving me crazy. She is sassy, noisy, and selfish. Her room looks like a pigpen and she won’t work any harder in school than absolutely necessary to get by. Everything I taught her, from manners to faith, seems to have sailed through her ears. What in the world do my husband and I do now?

DR. DOBSON: I’m going to offer you some patented advice that may not make sense or seem responsive to the problem you’ve described. But stay with me. The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to “just get her through it.” The concept is a bit obscure so let me make an effort to explain it.

Imagine your daughter riding in a small canoe called “Puberty” on the Adolescent River. She soon comes to a turbulent stretch of whitewater that rocks her little boat violently. There is a very real danger that she will capsize and drown. Even if she survives today’s rapids, she will certainly be caught in swirling currents downstream and plunge over the falls. That is the apprehension harbored by millions of parents with kids bouncing along on the wild river. It’s the falls that worry them most.

Actually, the typical journey down the river is much safer than believed. Instead of the water becoming more violent downstream, it eventually transitions from frightening rapids to tranquility once more. What I’m saying is that I believe your daughter is going to be okay even though she is now splashing and thrashing and gasping for air. Her little boat is more buoyant than you might think.

Yes, a few individuals do go over the falls, usually because of drug abuse or other addictive behavior. But even some of them climb back in the canoe and paddle on down the river. Most will regain their equilibrium in a few years. In fact, the greatest danger of sinking a boat could come from ... parents!

QUESTION: I am suspicious that my sixteen-year-old son may be using some kind of illegal drugs. He’s just not himself lately and his friends are some of the weirdest guys you ever saw. Can you summarize the most common symptoms of drug abuse for me? What should I look for?

DR. DOBSON: A complete answer to that question would fill a book, because there are so many illegal substances on the market today and each has its own characteristic “fingerprint.” But there are eight common physical and emotional symptoms you might look for in your son:

1. Inflammation of the eyelids and nose is common. The pupils of the eyes are either very wide or very small, depending on the kind of drugs internalized.

2. Extremes of energy may be evident. Either the individual is sluggish, glomy, and withdrawn, or he may be loud, hysterical, and jumpy.

3. The appetite is extreme – either very great or very poor. Weight loss may occur.

4. The personality suddenly changes; the individual may become irritable, inattentive, and confused, or aggressive, suspicious, and explosive.

5. Body and breath odor is often bad. Cleanliness is generally ignored.

6. The digestive system may be upset – diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting may occur. Headaches and double vision are also common. Other signs of physical deterioration may include change in skin tone and body stance.

7. Needle marks on the body, usually appearing on the arms, are an important symptom. These punctures sometimes get infected and appear as sores and boils.

8. Moral values often crumble and are replaced by new, avant-garde ideas and values.

Let me caution you that some kids are able to hide their drug use better than others are. You might stop by to see the officer in charge of narcotics enforcement for your local police department. He or she may be able to give you more specific information applicable to your son.

Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Solid Answers” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House. COPYRIGHT 2009 JAMES DOBSON INC.