QUESTION: You listed alcoholism as a marriage killer. My husband has that problem. It has created a great deal of pain in our home, and I am concerned about the emotional welfare of my children. Can it be treated, and is there hope for families like mine?

DR. DOBSON: Alcoholism is a devastating disease, not only for the person who has it, but for his or her entire family. Research shows that 40 percent of people living in Western nations have a close family member who is an alcoholic. That incidence is even higher in Russia and other countries of Eastern Europe. There is no way to calculate the impact of this problem on children, on spouses, and on the culture itself. Fortunately, it can be treated successfully for those who are willing to seek that help.

I discussed the issue of alcoholism with a panel of knowledgeable people on the Focus on the Family radio broadcast. Included were Dr. Keith Simpson, a physician who has treated this problem for 20 years, and Jerry Butler, a marriage and family therapist with 25 years of counseling experience. His own father had committed suicide during one of his drunken binges. Also with me were "Bob," a recovered alcoholic, and his wife, "Pauline," who preferred that we withhold their real names.

I did not ask these four individuals for a detailed analysis of alcoholism; our listeners already knew how serious it is. Rather, I wanted them to provide us with practical suggestions as to how family members can recognize the disease and then be of help to those they love. The answers they gave were most encouraging and enlightening.

Dr. Simpson was asked whether alcoholism can be treated successfully today. Is it a hopeless condition, or is there a way out for the victim and his family? This was his reply:

"I specialized in the field of internal medicine for many years, but found it to be depressing work. I could help my patients with chronic lung disease and severe diabetes and heart disease, but in reality, my efforts were just a delaying action. Over time, conditions worsened and the diseases progressed. I made my rounds in intensive care each day and watched people losing their battle for life, whereas my alcoholic patients were getting well.

"That's why I deal almost exclusively with alcoholics now, and I find it to be extremely rewarding work. I see people who come in with more horrible problems than you can imagine, but they get into a recovery program, and in a few months the difference is like going from night to day. So yes, not only is alcoholism treatable, but the medical community does better with this disorder than any other chronic disease. Alcoholics emerge from treatment programs more functionally integrated, more capable and more effective than before they 'caught' the disease."

That was the theme of the entire discussion: There is hope for the alcoholic! But before recovery can begin, the problem has to be acknowledged and treatment sought. That applies to your own family situation, I'm sure. Your husband can be helped if he has "the want to."

 

QUESTION: I've been aware of my husband's unfaithfulness for some time now. I've taken him to task for it, which has resulted in some incredible, horrible battles. I have even made demands that he stop his infidelity, yet no changes in his attitude and behavior have happened. What am I doing wrong?

DR. DOBSON: I'm afraid you've made the common mistake of misunderstanding the difference between expressions of anger and loving toughness. Simply becoming angry and throwing temper tantrums is no more effective with a spouse than it is with a rebellious teenager. Screaming, accusing and berating are rarely successful in changing the behavior of human beings of any age. What is required is a course of action - an ultimatum that demands a specific response and results in a consequence. Then you must have the courage to deliver on the promise.

 

Send your questions to Dr. Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO 80903. These questions and answers are excerpted from books authored by Dr. James Dobson and published by Tyndale House Publishers. Dr. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the preservation of the home. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.