May 15, 2025
What is an emotional affair and why must pastors, elders and ministry leaders fight against succumbing to this temptation?
According to one online source, “An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship involving a similar level of emotional intimacy and bonding as a romantic relationship.” The writer adds that emotional affairs often begin as a friendship and then move to something more involved.
The article lists several indicators that a friendly relationship could be evolving into something inappropriate when the people involved find themselves having frequent contact, frequently sharing, constantly thinking about one another, feeling understood, meeting or talking in secret, and spending less time with their spouses.
Christian leaders are called to live by a higher standard. That includes our thought life as well as our actions. What can a Christian leader do if he or she is developing inappropriate feelings for someone who is not their spouse? Here are five suggestions:
1. Be honest about it: 1 John 1:9 reminds believers, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” An emotional affair is a sin and should be confessed as such. Jesus, in speaking to the Pharisees about their mishandling of God’s law, told them, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). The first step to battling, and winning, against any sin is to agree with God in confession.
2. Pray and ask God for help: God cares about your character and will help you fight against any temptation. 1 Corinthians 10:13 reminds followers of Jesus that we need not surrender to any form of temptation. Paul writes, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” While Satan wins battles by convincing Christians that they are powerless over their own thoughts and passions, the Lord reminds us otherwise. You will be amazed at what God will do as you pray asking for help.
3. Love your spouse: A fictious story is told about a man who agrees to talk to his pastor as a last-ditch marriage saving effort. The problem is that the husband has “fallen out of love” with his wife. The pastor reminds him of the biblical admonition, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church.” To which the man responds that he does not love his wife and that he has indeed fallen out of love with her. The pastor remarks that it sounds like the two have become enemies — but that’s okay because the Bible commands us, “Love your enemies.” Again, the man replies that he is no longer in love with his wife. To which the pastor suggests the man move out of the house and into an apartment down the street from his wife. The man is moved with frustration at this suggestion. The pastor reminds him that the Bible instructs him to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The man finally got the point. Love for one’s spouse is not an emotionally-driven compulsion but an obedience driven command from God. If you sense yourself becoming too attached to someone who is not your spouse, then you must repent and go love your spouse in obedience to God.
4. Talk to a trusted friend: There are some situations—spiritual battles—that are so overpowering that we need the trusted counsel and the faithful prayers of a faithful friend. James 5:16 admonishes the believer, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail.” We do not always need to tell everyone our struggles, but there are times when we need to tell someone. You will discover that vocalizing your sin and struggle in this area will begin to diminish its power over your life.
5. Take your thoughts captive: At seasons in my devotional time with the Lord I have listed in a journal thoughts taken captive. Writing those thoughts down and reading them back helps to see the ugliness of my own thoughts and to deal more earnestly with the battle of the flesh, the devil and the world.
An emotional affair is a sin against God and against other people, but you will discover that God is gracious and will give you victory over its power if you will bring your struggle to Him.
___
Todd Gray is executive director-treasurer of the Kentucky Baptist Convention. This commentary first appeared in Kentucky Today.
