Lessons learned: Never stop dating your wife

Jojo Thomas

Spending time with your spouse/family isn’t a distraction from ministry.  It’s your first ministry. ”

Every car owner knows he has to change the oil from time to time.  It doesn’t matter how cool your ride looks if you’re stuck on the side of the road.  So despite the fact it’s not “urgent” today (or doesn’t seem to be), they make time for maintenance. 

Relationships need maintenance too.  They generate an unbelievable amount of “urgency” when they’re ignored, or allowed to break down.  (Way more than cars!)   It happens far too often among people in ministry.

There are multiple reasons for this.  God has seen fit to make marriage the place where we can’t hide our flaws.  There’s a kind of never-ending sandpaper to smooth away selfishness, and we chafe at the process.  So nobody’s marriage is a walk in the park.  But ministry marriages add something extra to the mix.

For one thing, not every spouse feels called to the lifestyle ministry requires.  This can be about money, or “living in a glass house”, or constant disruptions from funerals, church schedules, and membership drama.  Too, every pastor’s flawed humanity will show up here.  He may try to meet impossible expectations.  Or the drive to see eternal progress among members of a church family can blind him to the need for ministry in his own family.  The result is relationships at home long overdue for some maintenance.  

There’s no single antidote for all this.  But there are a few things worth remembering:

1. Remember where your 1^st ministry is.  Spending time with your spouse/family isn’t a distraction from ministry.  It’s your first ministry. 
2. Keep your spouse’s tank full.  This will help her keep all the craziness in perspective, and expand your freedom to do what’s needed.  If she ever feels like the church is your “mistress,” the opposite will happen.
3. Remember it’s not someone else’s job.  Every marriage has seasons where someone feels they’re being treated unfairly.  I’ll never forget the day it dawned on me it was my job to fix things (regardless of who was “right”). I’m the spiritual leader in my family, and taking initiative to address problems is what leaders do. 
4. It’s not rocket science.  A simple shift in mindset is sometimes all that’s needed.  Stop playing defense, and start playing offense.  Stop coasting (i.e., assuming this needs no maintenance), and start investing for the future.  This means you never stop dating your wife.
5. Make it one of the “big rocks.”  Everyone knows the illustration.  You don’t wait until last, after all the smaller stuff is placed in the jar, to put in the big rocks.  You put them in first and let everything else sift down around them.  Pull out the calendar today and plan special times with your wife in the next few months.

It’s a great thing to arrive at your destination in life together.  When that happens, your kids win, your church wins, and the entire community wins… because they’ve seen an example they can believe in.  Don’t miss out on that.

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Dr. G. J. (Jojo) Thomas served as the Associational Missionary Strategist for the Chattahoochee Baptist Association from May 2005 until his retirement at the end of 2025. Prior to his ministry with CBA, he served 23 years as the founding pastor of Annistown Road Baptist Church in Snellville, Georgia. He is a graduate of the University of Georgia, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary with a Master’s of Divinity, and New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary with a Doctorate of Ministry.